Morphing...

So in reality I am kind of like a butterfly. I was a Caterpillar and went into my cocoon. Now I am breaking out so I can fly far and bright...morphing into the me I was meant to be. :-)

Door Closed!

Tied up some loose ends today! Boom! Closed that door and opened my new door, for which I am completely excited! The power of forward thinking, positivity and love reigns strong!!!

Realization

Perhaps it takes little awakenings of the senses, perhaps it just takes time to realize things. Whatever the case may be, when I realize something, as in have an epiphany, I do not sit back and just wonder about it. The awakening happened for a reason, there was something that set the switch to on so a new process could be started. I realized more than one thing in these past weeks; one would be that I do not like change or having to adapt to change. I would be content to have things stay the same until I am good and ready to have them change; I want to be the harbringer of change. I realize this and because I am aware of such archaic notions inside my head I feel that I am able to learn to adapt. Change isn't always going to come from me sometimes; heck almost always, life is going to force you to see changes and adapt to them. So now with this epiphany in hand I come upon another; I love my life. Pretty basic in a sense but the complexities of what makes this "my life" are so much more profound. The little things and the big things; the end things and the beginning things. I look about me and I have to laugh because not even two years ago I would have never imagined my life could be so close to normal and functioning. My children are safe and happy; doing well in school and everything for the better. My drive has gotten me into a nice niche of constantly changing opportunities with my job; my career I should properly state. I have been learning to love; not just others but most importantly myself because without self love there can truly not be love for others. I have learned so much and I have learned to let him love me in a normal way; not requiring the dysfunction of the past. His love and patience have moved mountains; for me and for the kids. We have built a life, a love and a family. For this I couldn't be happier with the epiphanies I encounter. I appreciate all then lessons I learn and all the growing I do. I appreciate the life I have with  them today and future I am building for them  tomorrow.

The Changes...For The Better

Perhaps we get lost at times; as people,  inside the wrongs we have endured. I know I have. Perhaps the wise words of one man should be taken to heart; "...it is okay to be happy, life is never going to be perfect, there are always going to be problems, but you have to see the positive through all the rest so you can see that things have gotten better than they were before." So, here we go...
Two years ago on this day I almost lost my job, a job that I needed and wanted for an important plan to change the lives of my children and myself forever. I managed to keep my job and I even got to spend the summer with my children doing fun stuff. I got a tan, I wore a bikini and I started becoming independent again. I worked long,  strange hours until an opportunity presented itself that was much needed and sought after. Over a year ago I was in a much different place than I am now. I had just met a man that intrigued and challenged me. I was given a fulltime position at my job; the job I had decided to turn into a career. I was learning to love a man in a healthy way; just learning what healthy was, period. Since then, I have accomplished a great deal; I have learned a great deal about my career, I have completed management school, I am now an assistant manager, I got a raise, I have a new car, my children are stable and balanced, I am learning to handle conflict, I am learning to prioritize and I am learning to be a better person. I wasn't a bad person before, but I feel that somehow I am more complete now than I was two years ago, heck, even one year ago. I helped make a plan for the future; which scares and invigorates me at the same time because I don't like change. I am learning to adapt to change and I am learning more every single day. I am running again; baby steps is key. I am working towards accomplishing all my goals and soon I shall go back to school and finish my degree; well my new degree.
I realize I have a great deal to be happy for and even though I was getting lost in the negative, I am working on getting out of that place. That wise man was right;  it is okay for me to be happy. So right now, I am sitting on my porch, watching the sun burn off the morning mist and I have a list that I am happy for.
I am happy for my life, the lives and health of those I love. I am happy for my true friends that never left me even when they could have walked away. I am happy for my accomplishments at work, the new stuff I do all the time and the trials that I face there that make me grow. I am happy for all the good things, for all the real things that I have been shown. I am happy that my boyfriend has patience and perseverance. I am happy that he is so driven and motivating. I am happy that he loves my face, that I am weird and most of all, that he loves all of me. I am happy that he and my children love each other and that every day they become more "ours". I am happy that the nightmares are slowing fading away and being replaced by dreams again.
I won't ever be 100% because that would make me perfect; and the world can't handle a perfect me. However, every day I am learning, working and growing into a better me; which is all I could ever ask for. I am happy here, and I will be happy "there" when it comes, but until then here is where I will be present...and happy I shall be.

Pushing Forward

No matter how much it hurts, how sad it makes me... In the end I will succeed where others have not. I will do it, all of it with my own two hands and come out stronger than before.

Don't Give Up

No matter what happens, it is always important to remember to not ever give up. It doesn't matter how hard the rain, how long the storm; giving up makes you give up on yourself. It feeds your failures and makes them grow into mountains instead of lessons.
I have always given up and worn my failures like an anchor pulling me to the bottom of the ocean. A crazy long precedent to have set for myself all those years ago. A precedent that has made me unreliable,  selfish, needy, dependent and emotionally inept. A mess, it has made me into a mess.
This mess is about to cost me someone important, someone who means everything to me. My actions do not match my words; my dependency slowly suffocating the life out of what's important.
I found this wallpaper that simply says: Don't give up. For me that meant to not give up hope, to not give up on love, to not stop working on being better. Don't give up on correcting the mess that encompasses the entire entity known as me.
This entity has potential, even if nobody can see it. This entity has hope and will never give up.

Tangible

There are so many questions now... So many answers I seek now. However, I want to know why the more I try, the more little bits crumble away beneath my feet. First it was small things and now it has gotten to bigger things. Maybe you don't see it but I do. It's not yet tangible but it is there...and where it goes from here...well...I just don't know. I just know my heart knows, my soul knows...perhaps it is not apparent, how I cannot fathom. It is there though and always present. Every waking moment of every day and even in my dreams I cannot will it away. I am feeling cold, lost and alone...surrounded by people and a new path;   but even then I am traveling alone...if I could make it less like this I would...if something else was presented more tangible I would gladly take that road. My heart beats still even if growing faint...so tangible I wish to find...I wish it back the same.

(A long time ago, but yet I made it out and everything is for the best, not just the better!)