Tangible

There are so many questions now... So many answers I seek now. However, I want to know why the more I try, the more little bits crumble away beneath my feet. First it was small things and now it has gotten to bigger things. Maybe you don't see it but I do. It's not yet tangible but it is there...and where it goes from here...well...I just don't know. I just know my heart knows, my soul knows...perhaps it is not apparent, how I cannot fathom. It is there though and always present. Every waking moment of every day and even in my dreams I cannot will it away. I am feeling cold, lost and alone...surrounded by people and a new path;   but even then I am traveling alone...if I could make it less like this I would...if something else was presented more tangible I would gladly take that road. My heart beats still even if growing faint...so tangible I wish to find...I wish it back the same.

(A long time ago, but yet I made it out and everything is for the best, not just the better!)

Re-Learning

Do you know how hard it is to retrain yourself... I seriously had no clue. After all the years and all the choices to be a certain way and think a certain way... That little voice echoing so loudly in your brain, telling you that everything you do isn't good enough, that you aren't good enough, that you deserve no happiness... The endless list seems to be continuing on and on.

It all stops today! You have to live those words, you have to believe those words. You are important and you are worthy. You have a big heart and you have so much love to give! So let it start today, this very instant! Get up, go to the mirror and take a good look. Standing there is a person, full of love, dreams and hope. A person that can and will do what they set their mind to. So tell that echoing voice to shut up! If you are ever going to be able to function, to live your life; you are going to have to change how you think. Be positive, teach yourself to work outside the bindings of the past. Use logic, use your heart and take it from me... All the work will be more than worth it... Just so you feel beautiful once again.

Judgement Day

Normally, upon reading the phrase "judgement day", some experience a cold, rushing dread through their body. However, this is a particular type of judgement day and it is not one that sends such feelings through my body. This day has been coming for years now; four years and eight months to be exact. In four days I will stand before a judge and give statements for the record in order to be free of the chains that bound me in a personal Hell. There could never be any other feeling but one of relief that this is finally going to be over, that I will finally be allowed to breathe once again. It is not being overly dramatic to state the prior, it is just the simple truth, worded evocatively for a reader's delight. For them to understand the severity of the situation without putting into words the actual deeds that made it so. Deeds that until now have gone unmentioned and packed into a box in the furthest reaches of my mind.

Four years and five months is how long it took for me to build up the courage, the strength and the wherewithal to step out on my own; away from the chaos. Each day that followed brought new strength and determination to my wounded soul as it slowly started to heal the scars. To be able to see the world in a new light, one that was bright and beautiful, not dark and hopeless; was nothing short of a miracle. A miracle for myself and for my children; the littlest and most innocent of entities. It was for them that I gathered my strength, my courage and myself together; because they deserve better, so much better.

Three months of living in the light and having faith in all things has made all the difference in the world. I am almost me and my word does it feel superb. Never, ever, under any circumstances would I go back into the dark. To be this "me" is immensely, graciously wonderful. To have hope, faith, courage, fortitude again; to feel my heart beat with positive emotions. Before I was starved for emotions that uplifted; and never again will I starve my soul. Never again will I become the shell of a person I once knew; wondering where I lost "her" in the mix. This moment in my life; while having strife, is one that I would never change. I would live this moment forever; because now, I have truly found "me".

So, for that; this judgement day does not bode ill for myself; nor for my life. This judgement day is the promise that the future is bright with opportunities, reason and of course; the light that I had lost so long ago.

Forgiveness

This is not the same as naive by any means, it just means that I release my resentment, anger and hurt so that I can heal in the way I was meant to. Never will I forget or regret the reason that we fell in love, the reason that we were such a large part of each other's lives for so long. Without the choices we made, we would not have our two Blessings we call our children, without them my life would be incomplete. They are my sunshine, my part of you that I will always cherish as I watch them grow into the people they are meant to be, and make the choices they are meant to make. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe, just maybe the reason is enough for forgiveness. No matter what, always and forever...

Perseverance

Perseverance; what a long word; one I can't even spell without spell check, which I rarely use because of my slang anyhow. The meaning of this word is quite literal; continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure or it can also be explained as a persistent determination to adhere to a plan of direction; insistence. I believe there is a quote in a movie such as "Hitch"; and it is used in reference to relationships in this particular film.

However; if applied to a life that I know well; it would also mean stubborn refusal to acknowledge the inevitable. Inevitably with any life, there will be times when you are faced with situations that require changes; in circumstance or frame of mind. One of the hardest things for a persistent optimist to adapt to is change that is inevitable; because we will deny it until the very last moment and then start denying it again. Eventually however, we would have to face the inevitable and come to terms with it in order to survive the change. As an optimist I love new adventures; however I do not like change. Sometimes change is endured for the benefit of others; sometimes because it can no longer be denied. 

However; there comes a time when even the optimist has to accept the fact that changes must be made. I am at that point; that rising action right before the change has to happen, and wow! This is strange! I no longer feel afraid of change; I am open to it now whereas I was not previously. I can understand the need, the logic and the reason for change. I am beginning to feel like change is a wonderful new pair of fantastic pink shoes that I would love to wear constantly even if I get blisters sometimes. The complete fear and dread is gone; replaced with light and understanding. Dare I say even a sprinkling of hope! Yes! You read me right; Hope, what a Glorious thing!

When the End is the Beginning

There are so many words that make up this feeling; dread, fear, anger and hope. You dread the change; the never ending waterfall of emotional turmoil. You dread pity from others; having to analyze and understand it. The fear threatens to swallow you whole; leaving nothing behind but a blackness drowning in coldness. In time your anger has the strength to melt the coldness away; replacing instead with a roiling bitterness that swells and grows to unprecedented proportions. Embattled in the fury of the storm; a desperate cry for help is screamed over and over until your face is blueish cast. When does it end; when can I be whole again? Only ONE can answer those questions you hold inside; and just when all hope is lost, you realize the TRUTH. That one moment, that one thought; parts the storming sea like nothing was ever there. That single, solitary ray of hope, that was almost lost, begins to grow and blossom under the careful hand of Faith. Washing away the doubts; that hope floods your soul, giving it fresh infusion to what you thought was forever gone. It's never gone; never doubt it for a minute that time will heal the horrific experience that wounded your heart. Ultimately you will discover just how strong, adaptive and resilient you truly are. It will surprise you; enlighten you, embolden you to reach further than before. This ending is not really your ending; it is the place that is your true Beginning. A beginning where there is absolutely no doubt of your success; no doubt of your abilities. You have become the soul you were meant to be; capable of fulfilling the purpose of your life. So it truly is not the end, it is just the beginning. 

Control Freak

Seriously, a control freak? That sounds like a very harsh label, but in reality the condition is just as harsh. Also called "perfectionist", a control freak is what historically is consider to be a strong Type A personality. What in the world is Type A and what is wrong with being a "strong Type A"? In layman's terms a type A personality is a person who is "high-strung", controlling, aggressive, impatient and a whole boatload of other stressful sounding words. So in other words, a type A personality is more than likely rated high on the "have a heart-attack at work" scale. Awesome, well as long as you are not one of the above mentioned, right?

So, why this phrase; because I am a solid Type A Control Freak type personality. However; I do not remember always being this way; I wonder why? I will also note that I had no idea that I was this type of personality until recently when I began working on my self-awareness; fascinating the things you learn about yourself when you let the walls come down for yourself right?

I have also discovered that I do not enjoy being a control freak; always having to be on time or I get irritated; checking and double-checking everything; always feeling like I better be the one that packs or gets the kids ready because NOBODY can do the job right. It is utterly exhausting; and with two children, a job, school and a marriage; at 30 years of age I feel spent. How in the world somebody can live like this for years and years is beyond me because I am not going to make it much longer before I wobble and crumble.

I need to heal this void; repair the damage that has been done to my soul because I greatly fear that this state I find myself in is the direct result of said damage. All I can say is that it was my coping mechanism for protecting me from the vulnerabilities I have felt and am afraid to feel again. I do not value this coping mechanism any longer; I want the old "me" back. I find value in higher callings; higher things that need no explanation for their plan. I feel an undeniable need to shed this mantle of negativity and take up the one that was truly meant for me.

Ego

Ego, what a heavy three letter word! In terms of sustaining self and self-awareness, this word is as dirty as the "F" word is to your grandparents! This one little word ranks FOUR different interpretations in the dictionary; yes, four different ones. The dirtier the word in regards to achieving enlightenment the more meanings it can or does have I would imagine. As for this little word, it means the following; A person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance; The part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity; An overly high opinion of oneself; and (in metaphysics) A conscious thinking subject.

So, on the journey to complete self-awareness and enlightenment you encounter humiliation; and the root of humiliation is pride; and buried in pride you have ego? In one possible way of thinking; in order to rid yourself of humiliation you have to swallow your pride therefore making your ego nonexistent. However, if you take one of the meanings of ego, which is a sense of self-esteem, what happens then if your ego becomes nonexistent? Isn't self-esteem a critical part of normal functioning?

At first glance, I felt that I did not hold the ego card; but upon further examination I have discovered this card to be present. My ego is centered around my feelings of esteem and importance, not so much the "self" part; until we get to humiliation that is. My sense of ego (esteem and importance) stem from my interactions with the people I have relationships with; family, friends, co-workers and such. My ego likes to project a picture of demur innocence that is not quite the right picture; it is distorted. I am neither of those, but I am always seen as them; therefore it must be in the presentation put in place by my ego or pride. Therefore it is my conclusion that I feel the need to be accepted and in circumstances where I am not; it hurts my ego (esteem and importance). 

So as I see it, in order to be rid of humiliation I must present the "true" me without the presentation of ego. My sense of esteem and importance cannot be based on interactions with the people in my life; my ego has to let go of the reins. How I am to achieve this; really I have no idea but rest assured this topic also bears further scrutiny in the coming months, all six of them.

Humiliation

Does anyone really know the meaning of this word unless it is experienced? I mean, one could very well know the definition, but what about the subtlety of the word itself? The connotations it has? The emotions behind the word itself? To bring it into perspective for you, let me just say that there are so many different definitions that lead from one to the other. For instance, upon researching this word, you will find that it has several conjugations and meanings. For the root word; humiliate, the meaning is all of these; state of disgrace or loss of self-respect; chagrin: strong feelings of embarrassment; an instance in which you are caused to lose your prestige or self-respect. Whoa! I haven't even gotten to the word of the day yet and we have all those possible meanings. As for the word; humiliation, the listed definition is; (also called stultification) is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission.

So am I being told that pride is the source of humiliation? That if I was to swallow my pride ere go I could not feel humiliation? The type of humiliation I speak of is not being humbled; I speak of being completely horrifically embarrassed and mortification. So, what is the source of my pride? Is this the path I must search in order to dispel the humiliation brought to me on a silver platter? Pride, such another awesome word with subtlety and connotations. However, back to humiliation; how do you know if the humiliation you are feeling is from pride or some other negatively working emotion? What if the humiliation is personal, below the belt but out in the open for all to see;as in the kind to make you feel less of a person? What if it feels like it has nothing to do with pride and everything to do with being played dirty by another?

Reviewing the words of my life is not an easy task; and one I fear that will become more difficult under self-examination. Not very long ago I was reminded that pride is a bitter pill to swallow; to expect it because it doesn't change. In letting go of my pride, must it all go? Does a part stay to support my being, my sense of self? Somewhere out there, a solution to humiliation is awaiting my discovery; from one stop to the next, I will search to find it. If I do find that the source of my humiliation is my pride; well all I can say is "bottoms up" as I take that first bitter taste. "Salud!"